I’m supposed to be taking a break from my blog and social media but here I am. Plus, my class was cancelled because of the snow. I’m not complaining. I’m going to be taking a nap, and maybe doing a little work later on. So, why am I here?
1. Writing gives me the release that I need to function, to help me be mentally healthy. It is also my passion and what I know I am supposed to be doing. Unfortunately I missed my last 2 writing forum meetings, so that is not making me feel in the loop at all.
2. It’s also BLUES DAY 2014 at my college and I’m finally (sort of, who really feels comfortable sharing this stuff?) feeling open enough to share a part of my mental health story. Trying to do my part in getting rid of the stigma of mental illness. Not an easy thing to do, but I feel it’s necessary.
I suffer from Depression, Anxiety, those fabulous Panic Attacks & Fibromyalgia on top of everything. Why not? At times all at once, sometimes 1 or 2 at a time. Mental health has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Although when I was younger I had no idea why I always felt as bad as I did. The cause(s)? Well that is a share for another day, another format, maybe.
For the most part I can control any mental flare ups that happen because of the coping techniques that I have learned through various therapies and quite frankly a lot of will power. Although a few weeks ago all the coping techniques did not keep a panic attack at bay, and I had to leave class early. Not something I’m happy about, but it was all that I could do. I do not want to end up in a mental hospital or back on medication. Medication works for some, it worked for me for a time but then it made me worse and I have no desire to be on it again. The numbness and brain fog is not worth it to me. Plus I have enough of that naturally. Feeling nothing was almost worse then feeling too much.
Some days I’m not doing that well and am seriously considering going to see my GP. Since I’ve had her for my doctor I’ve been doing well and haven’t had to see her for mental health issues. She is awesome because she always asks, if I’m doing okay since she knows of my history. Right now I’m not doing so great and I kind of dread having to have that conversation again. I also dread the suggestion of medication, because I’m pretty confident it will be brought up.
Optimism is really hard but I’m trying. This Web Developer program is meant to be a life changer for me. Get me on my way, again, so I can have steady work and continue to work on my writing. Move out of this city. Be able to afford to live on my own again. Boy do I miss that. Nothing beats being able to walk around naked, not say good morning to anyone, or not worrying about telling people where you are and when you’ll be home. But I worry all of the time because I don’t feel confident that I’ll be able to produce work for clients or myself (One of my goals is to be able to create my own website from scratch), without referring to a textbook. I have so many ideas and images in my head but to get them onto the computer screen. It’s a mess. Screwing with my confidence and I don’t like it at all. Although it shouldn’t because 99% of my classmates have a Computer Science background and the other 1% have been doing Web Development/Web Design for fun, for years. So I know I’m being hard on myself, but I’ve always been that way and it’s a hard habit to break.
So yeah, there’s a part of my story. A lot of us have mental health issues of some kind and I just wanted to share why I’m not here, for a break, and why my blog posts are whinge, whinge and more whinge. But I’m trying. Asking for help, getting help and more importantly, not giving up.
Book of the Month: Heartbreak Hotel by Deborah Moggach. A retired actor needs a change in his life so he moves from London to Whales, to run a bed and breakfast. The characters he meets change his life, beginning the next phase of his life. I’d give Heartbreak Hotel a 4/5. (Links may not work in all countries. All videos belong to the artist/corporation. Links may be affiliate links.)
Till next time,