and I wish I could put it on hold. I know that's not possible but that's how I feel. I'm kind of on autopilot right now. I'm trying to catch up with my classes, continue with the sale of the house, and deal with all of the tedious estate things that go along with death. I really can not grieve the way that I need to because I have to stay focused on my classes. If I let go now, I don't know if I'll be able to get back up.
I'm also trying to get completely caught up in the school assignments/quizzes that I've missed. All of my teachers have been great with granting me extentions, but I need to keep my mind occupied and get back on schedule as soon as possible. Hopefully by next week, I'll be able to do that. I'm trying.
I haven't been dog walking in a while and I probably should but I'm tired. I'm shooting for next week. I know that the pups will make me feel better. They always do.
I have a bunch of recipes and reviews waiting to be edited. I think I'll post one of those next week. This post sounds depressing as heck to me. Anyway have a great Friday and weekend.
I will probably write about this chapter in my life again, here or on another platform. I'm sure over the next several months/years I'll have a lot to share. Here is the first one.
On October 19th 2014, my mom lost her battle to cancer. It doesn't make sense. I'm heart broken, sad, empty, and angry. My first love is gone and I don't know what to do with myself, other than take life one hour at a time. I can't even do a day at a time quite yet.
Her fight with cancer was a on and off, mostly off, for the last 4 years. This was completely unexpected. The oncologist along with my mom & the family are shocked. She was supposed to go in for another round of chemo, knock out the cancer, and move on with life. We had no idea the cancer had spread and spread so damn fast.
My sister and I were both by her side at the end. Other family & friends were also able to say goodbye, earlier in the day. For those that could not get there, please don't feel bad or guilty, mom knew you loved her. For whatever reason, beyond our understanding, you were not supposed to remember her that way.
I'm so happy that Kai the cat and mom got to say goodbye to each other. The palliative care floor was more than happy to welcome family pets. After mom went into the hospital poor Kai would stand outside her bedroom everyday, looking for her. Probably wondering where she was. Or as mom said, not my words, "Where is the old bag?" Zingers to the end. I cancelled Kai's annual checkup to take her in Saturday, to see mom the day before she died. Kai walked all over mom, smelled her, walked around the room, and repeated this twice more. When she was finished saying goodbye, Kai went into her carrier and waited for us to take her home. Animals understand death, probably better then we do, you just have to give them the opportunity. I'm so thankful to the 5th floor, for allowing mom and Kai to say goodbye to each other.
Monday I have to get my head together for school and all of the estate paper work that will start flooding in. I'm making myself relax this weekend and not think about Monday. On this weekends agenda, I'm drying some flowers from all of the arrangements we received and am going keep them in a shadow box. Possibly something like this. I'll probably write more about creating the shadow box in a future post.