Tag Archives: Cancer

6 Comments

I will probably write about this chapter in my life again, here or on another platform. I'm sure over the next several months/years I'll have a lot to share. Here is the first one.

On October 19th 2014, my mom lost her battle to cancer. It doesn't make sense. I'm heart broken, sad, empty, and angry. My first love is gone and I don't know what to do with myself, other than take life one hour at a time. I can't even do a day at a time quite yet.

Her fight with cancer was a on and off, mostly off, for the last 4 years. This was completely unexpected. The oncologist along with my mom & the family are shocked. She was supposed to go in for another round of chemo, knock out the cancer, and move on with life. We had no idea the cancer had spread and spread so damn fast.

My sister and I were both by her side at the end. Other family & friends were also able to say goodbye, earlier in the day. For those that could not get there, please don't feel bad or guilty, mom knew you loved her. For whatever reason, beyond our understanding, you were not supposed to remember her that way.

I'm so happy that Kai the cat and mom got to say goodbye to each other. The palliative care floor was more than happy to welcome family pets. After mom went into the hospital poor Kai would stand outside her bedroom everyday, looking for her. Probably wondering where she was. Or as mom said, not my words, "Where is the old bag?" Zingers to the end. I cancelled Kai's annual checkup to take her in Saturday, to see mom the day before she died. Kai walked all over mom, smelled her, walked around the room, and repeated this twice more. When she was finished saying goodbye, Kai went into her carrier and waited for us to take her home. Animals understand death, probably better then we do, you just have to give them the opportunity. I'm so thankful to the 5th floor, for allowing mom and Kai to say goodbye to each other.

oct-18-mom-&-kai-last-visit-3---Copy

Monday I have to get my head together for school and all of the estate paper work that will start flooding in. I'm making myself relax this weekend and not think about Monday. On this weekends agenda, I'm drying some flowers from all of the arrangements we received and am going keep them in a shadow box. Possibly something like this. I'll probably write more about creating the shadow box in a future post.

me, mom, sister
me, mom, sister. Ignore the ashy legs, it was an impromptu pic & she was a busy working mom 🙂

Part 2

This week has flown by far too quickly. A few extra hours in the day would not be frowned upon. I have been enjoying this warmer weather, but I pretty sure that it's done now.

House is up for sale, again. Hoping for a quick & painless sale. The process is annoying and tiring but when I get aggravated and impatient with the process, I have to remember that it's a means to an end.

My mom is going through chemotherapy again. This is the third time that the cancer is back, in a old and new place. I'm trying not to stress and worry because it won't do me any good. I'm just pushing ahead and taking things one day at a time. Or some days one hour at a time.

shadow-Kai-10-2-2014

I'm concentrating on finishing school with good grades. Currently classes are going well. Java is the most difficult, but I will get through it. I'm thinking about business plans/employment plans. I'm trying to finish my book. I'm dealing with my mom's illness and all that it entails. It's a lot. At times like this I know why people have personal assistants, or just walk away. But it's life and I know this is making me stronger and preparing me for what the future holds.

Green, although it looks brown.
Green, although it looks brown.

In the middle of all this, I'm sick with some virus. Which if I don't have time for. Being around someone with a compromised immune system is nerve-wracking to say the least. I'm drinking my green juice, taking Oil of Oregano, a spray or 2 of silver water, and my regular vitamins. But this is the first or second (I can't remember) time that am grateful for online classes. I can work from the couch, in pajamas, and have a nap in the middle of the day, if need be. Wow, this is a depressing post, but it's life. Hopefully things will pick up by next week.

pink-daisy-08-04-2014

Weekly Bee Count: 2: bumble bees; 7: honey bees; 0: unknown bee species; 3 monarch butterflies

Till next time,

Nadia