The week after next, January 19th, will be 3 months since mom died and I think I'm only feeling it now. I'm incredibly sad. I'm tired. I'm empty and I feel as though I have nothing to give, although it seems as though I still am giving. Going through the motions without feeling much of anything but sadness. This is the first week where I'm actually allowing myself to do nothing, since she died and I refuse to feel bad for this little bit of selfishness. Next week, online classes start again, along with getting my business plan started, so I'm reveling in doing nothing. There's also the first cold snap of the season, flowing across North America, so that is a great excuse to not go out unless I have to. I need to get to travel agency to plan my BC scout/vacation, this month or next. I need to be sure I like the vibe of the place before packing up my life and moving across the country. While I'm there, I'm going to take a few days for myself. Pure solitude doing exactly what I want. I need no responsibilities, I need time to grieve alone. Since I'll have my laptop with me, I may if the mood strikes me, continue to work on my writing. Sadness always brings the best out in my writing. I'd like to think so.
I haven't really spoken to anyone this week and I'm glad. I swear if one more person says that "Life goes on," at the end of a conversation, I'm going to scream. I may also scream at myself for going along with it. If someone asks me how I am, they should be prepared to hear the truth. I'm sick of saying I'm okay when I'm far from it. Now I'm not talking about holding someone in place for 10 minutes of sorrow, but if I'm sad people will have to be okay with that. Life isn't rosy all of the time, and I'm over social graces to make others comfortable. If you don't want to know how someone is actually feeling, don't ask. Just say hi or nod and keep walking.
Of course I know life goes on, I'm living, aren't I? My heart on the other hand sees the world completely differently. If I could stop the world or turn back the clock, I would. Right now I don't want the world to keep going on, because I feel stuck in an endless replay of mom's last days. Every single time I close and open my eyes. Every time I go to the store, cook a meal, put away laundry. They are constant reminders of what is lost, not what once was. Even planning for the future was done with mom in mind. I didn't want to be across the country with her living by herself. Now when I plan for the future she is out of the equation and it's another wave of grief that comes crashing down upon me. I want the sadness to be gone but unfortunately that will only come, to a certain extent, with time.
Read Broken Heart #1
Till next time,